


Definition Of Insanity

by Mister_Fox



Category: Bleach
Genre: Almost no one knows what the hell is going on, BAMF Kurosaki Ichigo, BAMF Urahara Kisuke, Dimension Travel, Ichigo is Not Amused, M/M, Winter War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24915040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Fox/pseuds/Mister_Fox
Summary: Ichigo wishes that he could ask the universe to, just once, give him more than a year's break from all the crap it throws at him. He just needs, like, one or two years to live a life uninterrupted by an apocalypse or some other impending doom, just enough time to finish university and get a job. Can't the world give him that, in return for him saving its ass every other Tuesday?The universe, apparently, says no.
Relationships: Kurosaki Ichigo/Urahara Kisuke
Comments: 44
Kudos: 388





	Definition Of Insanity

Ichigo stumbles and would fall into a graceless heap on the floor if it wasn't for the fact that he's holding on to something. Right. Something. A something which is Kisuke's arm. Okay, great, he knows the one direction he _shouldn't_ throw up in if his stomach beats his willpower. Of all the methods of supernatural travel that he’s experienced so far, whatever this is, it is definitely his absolutely least favourite one.

He blinks rapidly, trying to get the afterimages of super-bright lights out of his eyes, and waits for the world to resolve into something vaguely understandable.

They're... standing on some kind of circular platform, surrounded by unfamiliar machinery, and beyond it is an array of people. For a second, Ichigo wonders why on earth the Gotei didn't just send someone over to pick them up via Senkaimon if they wanted them to visit _that badly_.

Then he notices differences, things that a mere few days of not seeing some of them would not explain. For example, Byakuya's missing an eye, and Soi-Fon's somehow miraculously _not_ missing arm. And that doesn't even include Yamamoto, who's been dead seven years and counting, and yet is standing there, looking much less dead than expected.

Yeah. Ichigo is _not_ regretting grabbing hold of Kisuke when the air started to twist and deform and rip around him, because whatever this bullshit is? It doesn't look like a vacation to Hawaii.

Ichigo's going to give them a _little_ benefit of the doubt before he starts flinging getsuga tenshous at them all.

"This is interesting," drawls a familiar voice. Kurotsuchi steps around from behind some machines and Ichigo resists the urge to boggle. He doesn't think he's seen the creepy scientist ever look so... _normal_ , lacking any outfit weirdness or make-up. "It seems a version of Kurosaki was retrieved along with our target."

"And why, exactly, are you retrieving other versions of people, Kurotsuchi-taichou?" Kisuke asks before Ichigo can speak up, and motions at Ichigo to be quiet like Ichigo might say something offensive.

Okay, fair, he doesn't actually know any of these people, and his first impulse of asking “What the fuck is going on?” probably isn’t a good idea.

And he's been stabbed by a lot of them in his own world for way less rudeness.

But he has made friends with his version of them, so maybe the stabbing is a necessary part of building relationships with shinigami. Who knows. Kisuke, probably.

"Our version of Urahara-san went missing a couple of decades after his exile. We have determined that we need him, or someone very much _like_ him, to help to win our war against Aizen," Yamamoto answers.

Seriously?

_Another war against Aizen?_

"I presume that once we help you win your war, you will return us home?" Kisuke asks, fixing his gaze on Yamamoto, who’s still probably the boss, even if this _is_ another… dimension? World? Timeline?

The Captain-Commander nods. "We do not, as of yet, possess the means to return you to your world of origin, but once the war is over, we will devote the requisite time and energy to returning you home."

Ichigo frowns, and opens his mouth to say something, but Kisuke grips his wrist for a moment so brief that no one probably caught the motion, and shakes his head slightly.

For a moment, Ichigo considers, but... they don't know anyone here, they don't have any allies, and they have no idea of what the hell is _really_ going on, because, okay, trusting _strangers_ at their word is probably not the smartest idea.

Fine. He'll play along.

"Certainly. The War Room should suffice." A dedicated place to planning a war, huh? How long have they been dealing with this mess?

Ichigo and Kisuke follow the other Captains out of the room, Ukitake and Kyouraku leaving the room to Kurotsuchi to clean up. It _almost_ feels like they're there to make sure no one runs off.

Okay, yeah, they probably are. Kisuke might be far too chill to not go with the flow until he's certain of the situation, but Ichigo might have been tempted to possibly shove a sword in someone's face if he wasn't this badly outnumbered. And they couldn’t have predicted for _sure_ what they got out of that machine.

They leave what turns out to be the compound of the Twelfth, and head through Seireitei.

It looks... different. The skies above are dark, storm clouds roiling far above them, and the air is cold and dry, and there's evidence of damage and destruction along streets that they pass, almost as bad as when the Quincies tore through the city a whole bunch of years back.

Shinigami scurry past them, throwing curious glances at the procession of Captains. They look tired, ragged, and all of them are carrying more than just their Zanpakuto for weapons.

What the hell has been going on here?

The place they're heading to turns out to be in the compound of the First Division, a large room with long stacks of paper - reports and Arrancar profiles, maps of Hueco Mundo and the living world, a large map of Soul Society in the middle of the room, with 'Breach' marked on locations all over it.

"All that you need to be aware of is in this room," Yamamoto gestures at a book-thick pile of paper near the Seireitei map. "Become acquainted before you start asking questions; most of them will be answered in these papers."

Okay, but do they have a Spark Notes version of it, just in case? Less than what looks like the detail of every engagement over several years, and more information than 'our enemy is Aizen'. Just in case something unexpectedly goes to hell?

"We will need a couple of hours. Will someone be here to answer our questions?" Kisuke asks politely.

"Captains Kyouraku-san and Ukitake-san can remain here to assist you with anything you need, and protect you from any… intrusions, or interruptions." Yamamoto gestures at them to step forward. "I trust they will be sufficient."

Okay. Ichigo just has one question: are two of the strongest Captains genuinely here to keep something _out,_ or are they here to keep their guests in?

Ichigo flicks through the papers around the room while Kisuke reads the main documents. Aizen sure has made a _fascinating_ bunch of Espada and lower-ranked Arrancar, so many more than there were time and opportunities for back home.

More of them have the second stage of resurrection, too - but Ulquiorra has been killed, at least. Awesome, he doesn't need to deal with _that_ again. Even if being familiar with his attack patterns might have helped take him down faster.

There are permanent breaches leading to Hueco Mundo both in Soul Society and the Living World, and the results of that aren't _pretty_. The Wandenreich hasn't shown up, despite it being far past their time. But maybe they just don't exist in this world.

Maybe Aizen has dealt with them in his spare time - flooded the whole place with a Hollow reiatsu contagion or something, and killed the whole lot of them in one go.

* * *

Hours later, Ichigo's playing one of the many mindless games on his phone, when he hears a long sigh. He looks up.

Kisuke's clearly finished skimming the summary of what's going on, the stacks of reports and papers around him moved and closed and tidied away. He’s foregoing his usual mask of competence or being unaffected by such things as expending effort in favour of rubbing around his eyes and temples. Ichigo's never quite asked Kisuke about _why_ he finds reading to be such a chore, but it's probably something like dyslexia. He listens to audiobooks cheerfully enough, after all, so he definitely has the attention span.

“So, what’s going on here?”

"Would you like the short or the long version, Ichigo-san?" Kisuke asks, trying to hide a yawn.

"Short, please." They've been here long enough.

"My counterpart vanished about sixty years ago, along with the Hougyouku. Despite that, events proceeded about the same until approximately two months after Aizen's deception was revealed; Shinji-san, Yoruichi-san, and Tessai-san filled in for me, but they used a fake Hougyoku to draw Aizen into the open, instead of trying to destroy the real thing." Kisuke stretches his arms, and sighs. "The substitute version still allowed him to create Arrancar when merged with his incomplete version of it, and the Gotei and Las Noches have been warring ever since."

Okay, that's clear enough.

"Why does the Gotei think you can help them? It sounds more like they need brute firepower. Why not summon a second Captain-Commander, or another Unohana-taichou?"

Kisuke shrugs.

“The reports are about the history and situation, not their proposed tactics. I suppose that makes sense, in terms of making sure the information is secure.”

Ichigo glances at their guard detail. They’ve been quietly conversing at the door, ever since Ichigo stopped amusing himself by sending Kyouraku on seven different errands to get water, a snack, then a different snack, and other bullshit, the man eventually refusing to get him the latest edition of _Seireitei Communication Monthly._

"Kyouraku-taichou, we’re caught up. So, why do you need _Kisuke_ , specifically?"

The man blinks, startled, and then nods.

"We are hoping that, as a counterpart to our own Kisuke-san, he can discover either where our version of him went, where he hid the Hougyoku, or possibly make a complete Hougyoku of his own to create a warrior powerful enough to defeat Aizen and his army."

It's only Kisuke's exceptional control that stops him from raising his eyebrows, Ichigo is sure. But whether it's surprise or interest or _suspicion_ , he can't quite tell from his reiatsu.

"Is there not a risk that the item could be retrieved by Aizen upon its completion, and used for his own ends?"

Ukitake answers. "If you were to instantly fuse with it yourself upon creating it, the risk would be minimal, we believe.”

Do they seriously think that a Kisuke would create such a pain in the ass, again?

“Additionally, there would then be no risk of it being used in a fashion that you disagree with, which we believe is an acceptable compromise for asking you to create such a dangerous artefact again, possibly against your own beliefs."

And now _that_ sounds like they know him far too well for someone that vanished decades ago, and was only Captain for a few years.

Something is… super weird about all this, even if nothing that has been said so far has been a lie.

Kisuke nods, and smiles politely.

"Ah, I see. Well, it has been... quite an interesting day, and there is a lot of information for me to consider. Are we expected to embark on this task immediately, or is there a place we can retire to for rest?"

"There are quarters prepared for you. Unfortunately, we only expected one guest, and everyone is quite busy with patrols and such. There is only one futon."

Kisuke smiles, fluttering his fan to hide it. "That will not be a concern for us, although perhaps some extra pillows and blankets may be appreciated."

Ichigo snorts.

Oh yes it _will_ be a concern.

Kisuke and his long-limbed-heat-seeking-missile-habits will leave Ichigo with _pins and needles all over his body_ from being wrapped around too tightly. Because a sleeping Kisuke is an _excessively clingy Kisuke_.

Urgh.

* * *

The rooms set up for them seem oddly... Well, if Ichigo didn't know better, it's like they were set up either _by_ Kisuke, or someone who knew him very, very well. It could be that Yoruichi is nearby and just hadn't made it to the summoning. Could even be that the Kurotsuchi of this world had done the set up, still remembering his old Captain’s habits, but something about it _niggles_ at him.

He gives in to the fact that there's only going to be the one futon, and curls up next to Kisuke, resigning himself to waking up in the morning half-numb from the pressure.

Kisuke carefully lays a hand over Ichigo's own, and closes his eyes.

' _Something is wrong,_ ' he sends to Ichigo via their reiatsu connection.

Oh. Is this why he wanted an excuse to share a bed?

' _There is more to this. We must be very, very careful._ ' '

 _'Yeah, I kinda got that._ ' Ichigo replies.

Kisuke shakes his head minutely. ' _I have... suspicions, that they have tried this before. I will... wait some days, and then press the matter if they do not come forwards._ '

'Strongly suspect' means damn near certain, in Kisuke-speech. There's a tinge of dread trickling over their connection now.

' _Kisuke?_ '

' _If an unknown number of versions of myself failed to resolve this issue... What do they expect me to be able to do_ differently _? I will likely simply attempt the same things as my other selves._ '

' _Well, there's one tool your predecessors did not have in their arsenal. Overwhelming, thoughtless violence._ ' Ichigo grins.

Kisuke feels confused, although it doesn’t show on his face.

' _Just let me hit Aizen's fortress like a pinata till it shatters, and then get at the things inside it. Maybe we won't even need the Hogy._ ' If it wasn't for the fact that they're probably surveilled, Ichigo's sure Kisuke would have burst out laughing. As it is, he just smiles slightly.

' _A pinata full of wasps, perhaps. Good night, Ichigo.'_

_'Good night, Kisuke.'_

**Author's Note:**

> XD  
> So, what do you all think? (Or, perhaps, suspect :3)  
> Drop a kudo or a comment if you liked it!
> 
> Here's a link to [Cywscross' UraIchi Discord Server](https://discordapp.com/invite/ADFnKTZ#_=_)!


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